| | For all of the time that I have been a part of Xanga (and Facebook, too, since I'm a member and have a site there, as well), I have yet to see an article dealing with issues involving weight, and those of us who are heavier than normal, heavier than we wish to be, or are just large people for whatever reason. That said, how many people out there have ever said the phrase/sentence that is the header to this weblog? How many people have ever had their name in the parenthesis, the sentence being said by a friend, family member, acquaintance, or loved one? I would personally like to address this issue -- one that I have found to be so rarely talked about -- that many big folks such as my self deal with on a daily basis. First and foremost, I am a rather large person for my height. Take a look at the photos below: 
 
I am 5'7-3/4" (174cm), and my weight is a bit over 280lbs (130kg). Since January 2008, I have been trying to lose weight, and have lost about 20lbs (almost 10kg) in that time. All the men in my mother's family are built similarly as I am. My Grandfather, from what I've been told, was 6'7" (201cm) and weighed anywhere between 275 and 300 lbs (130-140kg). My Mom's oldest brother was also a large man (6'4" [195cm], 275lbs [130kg]), as was her second oldest (6'2" [190cm], 260lbs [118kg]). Though her next older brother and her younger brother are both shorter men (ranging between 5'8" and 5'9"), at one time in their lives, they were quite stocky. This is a trait that I have inherited form my mother's side of the family. Sometimes I think that if I even see food, I gain a pound or two. The problem with this body structure is that my Dad's family has a history of heart disease. My Grandfather died at the age of 44 due to a heart attack, and was said to have been as wide as he was tall (about 5'8"or 5'9"). This is the reason for me, personally, to be losing weight. Four medical professionals have also said that I need to lose weight (as well as having a somewhat unfavourable physical exam back in April), hence, the reason I am doing so at this time. "Look, Mom! Look at that Fat Foreigner!!!" The problem with me has a lot to do with motivation. It seems like whatever I do to try and lose weight, the weight either (1.) doesn't come off, or (2.) comes back when it does leave. The motivation factor really kicks in and is a big deal with me personally because of where I live. I live in Japan. In Japanese culture, it is alright to tell someone that you have even only known for a short time and say, "Say, you are large/fat/big/heavy person, aren't you?" or "Wow, you should lose weight!" As a teacher of English as a Foreign Language, I have had many, many older students say things like this, and even worse, then laugh as if they made a funny or big (no pun intended, really) joke. All the while they are laughing away, in my mind, I want to pick them up and rip them in half. In moments where my temper didn't flare up, my advice was that what they had just said was VERY impolite, and that the next American or Westerner they meet who happens to be a larger person they should not bring up the topic of weight, nor point out just how big/fat/heavy/overweight such a person is. Unfortunately for myself, this is not just something that happens with older people. All too often, as I walk outside, ride the train, ride a bicycle, or go to the store, some child, walking with his or her mother, will say the same or similar phrase to the one posted as the subheader to this point. It sometimes happens, too, when a group of children are together, in which instance, the child will point, and make the obviously terribly rude comment, then laugh as -- again -- some incredibly funny thing had just been pointed out. But it isn't just in the Japanese Culture that this takes place. It happens in the Korean Culture is well. My wife is Korean, and we have traveled to Korea numerous times. Many Koreans that my wife knows, and that know my wife have -- for some odd (not to mention horribly infuriating) reason -- gone out of their way to point out just how big/fat/large/overweight/much your husband, Jihye, needs to lose/heavy looking I am. My wife does a good job of sticking up for me (especially since my Korean isn't the best), and she is a great encourager to me, as well, but this phenomenon isn't just limited to the Japanese or Korean cultures. Just about anywhere, even, in the USA that I've been to, I've heard people, children included, make cracks about my or some other large person's girth, size, weight, etc. It's Not All Fat... I am a weight lifter. I've been a weight lifter for more than 22 years. I started lifting weights in High School, as a Freshman, mostly because I understood that to get better as a football player, I also needed to get stronger. I had two excellent high school weight lifting coaches, both of whom were large men. I wanted to be large like them, and achieved this goal in University, later. In my prime, I was able to lift more than 600lbs (around 300kg, which is about 660lbs). Though not in my prime now, I am still able to squat more than 400lbs (200kg) and bench press about 300lbs (145kg). My wife is a smaller lady, and I am able to lift her with relative ease, and even more-so with the kindergarten children that I teach once a week. Though I do have a tire around my waist, and a few other areas, not all of what you see in n the photos above is fat. Further, I ride a bicycle every day, lift weights three to four times per week, and, at the Private School I teach in, normally take the stairs to my fourth-floor classroom (not to mention all the stairs on train station platforms, the stairs to my office, and just to get up to the school itself). While it may look like that I am no so active, truth be told, I am quite physically active in my daily life. I am no couch potato, and do try to be as active as a fulltime teacher can be without literally killing myself in the process. "Just Give It to Jason; He'll Eat It..." If I were to count how many times, and in how many languages I've heard this phrase, or one like it, I'd probably need about a hundred hands. If I were to write down the names of the people I've heard it from, I could have a couple of volumes of books in a matter or a week or so. As I stated before, and show in the posted photos of myself, I am a large person. I am overweight by medical and fitness standards. Further, I am doing a lot to try to lose weight and to get into some semblance of physical fitness. The problem comes when my wife and I go out with others to eat, usually anywhere. Somewhere along the way, whether I've just started, am in the middle, at the end, or have finished the meal, someone will invariably say something like the sentence that is the header to this point. What is infuriating is that the people in question never bother to ask if Jason wants what they are offering or giving. They never bother to wonder if Jason is full, satisfied, or is wishing for another helping of whatever food it is they are peddling and passing off. What is most infuriating is that many of the people who bother to point out just how fat/large/overweight/much I need to lose/heavy I am are the very people saying those exact words above! These people, in their hypocrisy, never bother to even wonder if Jason wants to eat the piece of cake they are saying I will eat, or if I want to shove it in their faces, breaking their noses and a few teeth along the way. To those of you who have said this phrase to me within earshot? Most of the time, I really DON'T nor DIDN'T want what you are or were offering. A Little Advice... For those of you who really wonder what we big people are thinking, especially when you say the things you say about our size, weight, or heaviness, I have a few tips for you: I. No, I WON'T Eat What You're Offering - Friends, if you have leftover food, looking to pass it off to someone else so it "won't go to waste", and think that the big person will eat it, please look at our plates and our actions before passing it off, PLEASE. If my silverware is on my clean plate, at the 4 O'clock position, and I happen to be drinking something, or chatting with another at the table, or something else besides eating, it means I'm Finished Eating. Whether it is the main course, dessert, the appetizer -- whatever -- if my hands are folded, going in some other direction than my plate, and/or are empty of silverware, it probably means I'm done eating whatever has been served. And also remember this little phrase: NO MEANS "NO". If you ask, assume, or say I'll eat something, and I say "No", that is exactly what that word means: No. Just as a woman or a man not wanting sex who says "No means 'No'", and any further sexual advance is a violation of the law, I surely wish that people who assume the big person at the table will eat whatever is being peddled and keep it up ad. nauseam or until the big person is embarrassed, would get jail time as well when someone of my girth and size says "No" the first time. If we say "No", we mean, N-O, No. If you took too much, or there's "too little to keep as leftovers", sorry: we are not your garbage disposals. We don't want it, and cajoling us into taking it will only make us think less of you later...a LOT less (especially if you are one of those who berate us for our size in the first place).... II. How About Gettin' Our Backs? - If you happen to be a friend of a large person, or a loved one, or an acquaintance, family member, significant other, and you overhear someone trying to pass off food to us, why not support US instead of cajoling us and saying "Oh, go ahead! It's okay!" Really, friend, loved one, significant other, acquaintance, or family member, when we say "No, Thank you." we mean it. And if someone ever makes a crack about our weight, how about getting upset before we do, and/or defending us? Instead of saying, "Well that's just Jason. He's just a big guy, you know....", how about getting in that person's face, and letting them know, in no uncertain terms, that severe consequences will be dished out if further comments are made? Trust me when I say this: if anyone ever made an unkind crack about my wife in any way shape or form, that person better have his or her medical insurance up-to-date. We'd appreciate the same if someone ever makes a crack about how large we are. And if you are the wife or husband, boyfriend or girlfriend of a larger than normal person, and other family members decide to make mention to you how large we are, or how we need to lose weight, how about telling those family members just how much we are doing? If someone -- such as myself -- is really trying, staying or getting active and wanting to lose weight, why not tell the "concerned" family member just how much we've done and been doing? Saying anything else is just making an air castle in our minds: easily blown away and soon forgotten. III. No, It Isn't "Cute" - If you ever hear a child say how large we are, fat we are, heavy we look, or overweight we appear, please don't laugh and say, "Aw, that was soooooooo cute!" Trust me when I say this: We DON'T Think It's Cute!!! In fact, my first reaction to a child of any age saying something so horribly impolite and offensive is to rip that little brat's head right off of his or her shoulders and laugh as loudly as they did after their little announcement (Praise the LORD for the sustaining power of the Holy Ghost). We don't think its cute, and we think it less-so when someone we call "loved one" laughs and makes light of the knife that just went straight through our hearts. It isn't cute (if they called you "old" we wouldn't think it cute). IV. Walk Away: Just Walk Away - If your child is the one who happens to say how large/fat/overweight/heavy/much we need to lose, then I have some further advice for you: Just walk away. That's it. Just walk away. don't apologize, because we know you don't mean it. Don't scold the little Johnny or little Susie that said it, because we know your scolding isn't serious. Children repeat what they hear their parents say, so if a child calls us heavy, overweight, fat, or in any other way, shape or form points out our size, we know that it didn't originate in his or her little brain. We know it was you or your significant other who first said such in little Johnny's or little Susie's hearing. If your children say it, don't bother. Just walk away. That's the best thing you can do. In fact, we'd probably appreciate it, too, if we didn't see you for a good long while, in which time, we hope, that you will have changed your words about us, educated your children more properly when dealing with large people, and told your significant other that to say such things that they are saying are just totally out of line. And if it is YOU who is saying the words, SHAME on you! We call you "loved one" because we love you. If you say such things about us in private that your children repeat in our hearing, the name Benedict Arnold doesn't begin to truly explain how we feel about you. If the little ones say it, just walk away. V. Encourage, Don't Cajole - How does someone catch a fly, or a bee? Does a person use saltwater, or honey? In the same way, if you are a loved one of ours, and you are concerned about our weight, please don't cajole us into exercising, eating less, getting more active, or in any other way, shape, or form getting us to try and lose weight. Instead of saying, "You need to get out and walk," why not say, instead, "Hey, do you want to go for a walk?" Instead of saying, "You need to eat less," why not say, "Could we eat a little more simply this evening?" Use words, use language, and carry and attitude of encouragement, not badgering, nagging, or verbal arm-twisting. Like any other living thing on the face of the Earth, we, too, do better with enticement and kindness, rather than brutality and anger. VI. If We Are Trying, Walk Beside Us - Many of us -- myself included -- are making some sort of effort to lose weight. Loved Ones, would you please walk with us? We aren't asking you to do as we are doing (though, that would be probably the greatest help of all), we are simply asking you to walk beside us, support us, defend us, and make our work a LOT less stressful. If we look down, talk with us, and ask us what the problem is. If we don't want to talk about our discouragement at not having lost an ounce n a week, despite two hours per day on the treadmill, please, just give us a hug, a pat on the back, or in some other way, a word of encouragement. When we do well, cheer with us. If we fail or fall, cry with us, but help us back up. If the day comes that we just don't want to go to the weight room or the gym or the treadmill, please encourage us gently but firmly and lovingly. If we are out with friends, and invariably the phrase "Oh, just give it to so-and-so; s/he'll eat it...", and we say know, let the person who said it know that our No means "No". If we say "No" to your offering, it is the same: we mean "No" when we say it. If another family member speaks about their concern for our weight (especially in an unkind fashion), and we are actively trying to lose it, defend us. Tell that loved one the efforts we are making, and ask them to look for the subtle changes in our form. Finally, if someone makes an unkind crack about our weight, girth, size, heaviness, need to lose weight and get in shape, or anything else related to how large we are -- whether in our presence or not -- please, defend us. We gladly will do the same for you, if anyone were to ever dare to speak unkindly about you in our hearing. Please, do the same for us, and if it ends up getting you into some sort of brawl, in jail for assault, or fight of any kind to defend us, the next time we see you, we will make our appreciation well-known to you. VII. Prayer DOES Work - Finally, pray for us. Yes, many out there do not normally pray, do not go to church, or are not religious, but if anyone whom we call loved one is, please pray for us. Prayer does work. If God helps us, anything is possible, even losing a few unwanted or extra pounds or kilos. Please consider the points made in this treatise. Please understand that, ultimately, big people are people with feelings and easily-broken hearts, just like everyone else. We want to be treated with the same respect you want, and to be encuraged and lifted up, rather than cajoled and torn down. Please be a help, not a hinderance... |
